i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Randomize
