If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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