weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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