brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
