Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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