You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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