she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
