don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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