Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
