Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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