My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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