didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
