took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
