I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
