She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
