Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
