Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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