You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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