glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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