Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
