Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
