My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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