I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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