omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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