You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
