he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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