Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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