I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no you cant smoke seaweed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
