the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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