that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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