Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
