he was CRYING into my vagina
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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