Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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