It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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