just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
