Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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