she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
