The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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