Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
