Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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