Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
