ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
