I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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