we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
