I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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