I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my being single is dangerous.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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