I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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