I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
