I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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