There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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