i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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