'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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