I just saw a hot homeless man
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
