By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
