i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
