Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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