i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
