a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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