I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
