Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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