Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
