Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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