Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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